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Best Goddamn Movies

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 22:13:07 UTC

By Al Thompson, TCICWF Promoter and 26-time TCICWF World Champion Well, this here website finally got around to asking yours truly, Al Thompson, about goddamn movies. Now I don't claim to be a big movie buff or nothing, but Jesus Christ I do know one thing--I know what I like. And what I like is damn good goddamn films! So I had to go down to the library and fire up one of their Jesus computers and type up this bloody thing. It took me 7 hours, so you better goddamn well enjoy it! My favorite film of all time is the same as lot of other people that I know, then again how can you blame us? You guessed it, Smokey and the Bandit. If you've been living under a rock and ain't seen it, it's about these two truckers, see? Cletus and Bandit. Bandit was played by Burt Reynolds, by the way, back when men were men and had moustaches, goddammit! And so did some women, too. Anyways, Cletus and Bandit have to pick up a truckload of beer from Texas and get it back to Georgia in 28 hours. Everything goes great until Bandit picks up the runaway bride Carrie (what did I tell you about that goddamn Burt Reynolds?), the future daughter in law of Sheriff Buford T. Justice! And Jesus Christ, it all ends up in a goddamn crazy, interstate highspeed pursuit! If it were up to me, I would of dropped off Carrie, called up my old pal Georgie and spent 28 hours drinking all of that beer, but maybe that's just me and Georgie. I could tell you some goddamn stories, that's for sure. Anyways, the movie is a classic and hell of a lot of fun. My second movie is also a goddamn classic! It stars Clint Eastwood, in his greatest film ever, and I bet you already know which one that I am talking about. That's right--Every Which Way But Loose. Clint plays this easygoing trucker, who is a great fist fighter, Philio Beddoe. If my daughter, Wendy, had been a boy, she would of been named Philio, but she's a girl. And Jesus Christ I still love her just as much goddammit she's just like one of the boys anyway¦she hangs out with them enough! Anyways, back to the movie. Philio travels around with his two buddies, Orville and Clyde, looking for fights, country music, and cold beer. I tell ya it's like the goddamn American Dream. I think me and old Georgie woulda fit right in riding shotgun with Philio, who needs Orville and Clyde? Anyways, Orville is his buddy, who books fights for Philio to win, and Clyde--get this--Clyde is a goddamn orangutan! So I guess we do need Clyde. I mean Georgie is a hairy son of a bitch, but he ain't no orangutan! Georgie's got these short little arms, see, but Clyde bein' a monkey and all, has real long arms. Anyways, Philio won Clyde in a bet and kept him as his buddy! Don't worry, this ain't no Mr. Smith goes to the country bar or nothing. No siree! Clyde is terrific! That hairy orange bastard damn near steals the whole movie! That goddamn orangutan can act! Philio spends the film chasing around this little country singer, drinking beer, and being chased by bikers. The whole film is a goddamn hoot and will have you clapping, cheering, and yelling all the way through. My third favorite film in the whole wide world is called Any Which Way You Can and it is the sequel to Every Which Way But Loose. Clint is back as Philio, Orville is back as Orville, and Clyde is back as the monkey. Once again, it is a hell of a lot of fun. All the way through the film, Clyde had me in fits of laughter. I tell ya, for my money if you ever need to add some entertainment value, you just gotta throw a goddamn monkey into the mix! We actually tried that once in the TCICWF, but things didn't go so well. That mangy bastard of a monkey bit Wee Willie Wonder (he was the midget champ at the time) on the arm, and Willie had to go and get rabies shots! Not to mention the goddamn animal rights protesters and the fact that I had to figure out a way to get the midget title back from a goddamn monkey! But that's a whole 'nother story. Jesus Christ, take it from me folks, wrestling and monkeys just don't mix. Anyways, in the movie, this time Philio takes part in a bare-knuckle fight to get some extra money. I can tell ya that yours truly has been in that situation once or twice, so I know where Philio was coming from me and Georgie have had a few scrapes down at the pub through the years. Anyways, Philio tries to retire from fighting, but then the mob and bikers step in and I don't want to ruin the rest of the movie for you in case you ain't seen it, but I can promise you that it is another goddamn hoot. And that Jesus monkey pretty much steals the show again! It makes me wonder what ol' Clyde is up to these days probably off livin' the good life somewheres. Well, there you go, folks. Those are my three favorite films of all time. If you haven't seen them, go check them out. You can probably find 'em in the discount bin at the video store, unless I've rented them again! Al Thompson

The Top 5 Wrestling Movies of All Time

Tue, 4 Sep 2007 16:21:44 UTC

By Randy Tyler OK, let's start off with some ground rules. First, Randy Tyler (me I often refer to myself in the third person) is an accomplished lawyer/academic that gets paid $400 per hour for his thoughts and thus chances are I am, when it comes to evaluating the merits of these movies, far better than you, so pay attention. I promise not to heel on you in the process as I am sure, as a wrestling fan, you've had a hard enough life already. Second, I'm not one of those snobby film critics that somehow finds soulful art in movies that were made with poor technology. You won't find movies like Alias the Champ (1949), The Big Show-Off (1945), Catch (1967), Deception (1932), Flesh (1932), Grips, Grunts and Groans (1937) or Requiem for a Heavyweight (1962) on this list. They're old, and crappy as a direct result. Hope I haven't offended anybody. Having said all that, finding the top 5 wrestling movies of all time is still an exercise in sorting through a remarkably shallow gene-pool. For whatever reason, not many have been made, and many of the ones that were made are, well, shit. Originally, I envisioned doing a top 10 list - impossible. However, I think the top 5 listed below are all strong movies, brilliant in their own unique way, and I'd recommend them to anyone as an enjoyable rental, wrestling fan or not. I'll also proudly say that our movie, Kayfabe, easily belongs somewhere in these top 5. I won't put it there now at the risk being accused of extreme bias (or, as most wrestling fans would put it to me, hey, that's not fair, but perhaps a follow up blog by one of the punters (i.e. you) will aptly slot Kayfabe in its proper place among the list. Here goes, and in no particular order: Beyond the Mat (1999, Starring: Mick Foley, Terry Funk, Jake Roberts, Written and Directed by: Barry W. Blaustein) No movie yet has simultaneously captured the mainstream and indie wrestling scenes so accurately. A great mix of three very different characters (both in the ring and out) really helps keep the material fresh where it otherwise might have become stale over its feature length running time. Also, some priceless quotes caught from wrestlers, fans, and those caught in the middle makes this film a time-capsule-like experience that will perhaps get more interesting when re-watched years from now. Hook: Most insightful wrestling movie of all time. The One and Only (1978, Starring: Henry Winkler, Kim Darby, Gene Saks, Directed by: Carl Reiner) Might be the funniest wrestling movie ever made, although Jack Black may disagree. Classic Reiner humour (he made it right after he made Oh God), coupled with a fantastic, hilarious and soulful performance by Henry Winkler (that's right, I said it, soulful). One of those rare buried-treasure-type movies that's so hard to find on video - but after watching it, you honestly wonder why every store doesn't have 10 copies. Hook: As said, possibly the funniest wrestling movie of all time. Grunt! The Wrestling Movie (1985, Starring: Magic Schwarz, Dick Murdoch, Adrian Street, Director: Allan Holzman) One of those so bad is good movies, so it might not be for everybody. There are scenes that are so badly done, and so unfunny, that you'll feel physical pain when you watch them. Having said that, there's just something about it... and some scenes are genuinely hilarious. The movie is such good campy fun, and it brilliantly unfolds (whether intended or not) just like a cheesy wrestling angle. I dare you not to be sucked into the movies climax, where, during a battle royal featuring Dan Spivey, Wahoo McDaniel, Adrian Street and others, the big mystery behind the disappearance of Mad Dog Joe DeCurso is revealed! Classic stuff. Grunt was also slightly ahead of it's time as a mockumentary, one of the first ever, which scores big-time points with me. Hook: Campiest wrestling movie ever made. All the Marbles (1981, Starring: Peter Falk, Vicki Frederick, Laurene Landon, Burt Young, Tracy Reed, Directed by: Robert Aldrich) OK, not so good on the accurate insights of pro-wrestling more like the Hollywood thoughts on what wrestling must be like even though we don't know, nor do we care to find out what it's really like. Nevertheless, Peter Falk as a sleazy promoter and 2 of the hottest chicks of the time in a big budget production? Forgetaboutit. Thoroughly watchable. Remade today I think it's a guaranteed winner and I want a cut for having thought of it. Hook: Best classic Hollywood matinee wrestling flick of all time. Nacho Libre (2006, Starring: Jack Black, Ana de la Reguera, Hector Jimenez, Directed by: Jared Hess) What more can you say but it's the highest grossing pro-wrestling film of all time. It's not the Deer Hunter, sure, but's it's a pretty damn funny show with a high production value and that, coupled with all that financial success, has got to be enough to crack our top 5. Again, it's not giving us any accurate insight into the world of wrestling (not even Lucha wrestling, sorry to say) but hey, I'm not sure that Lethal Weapon gave us an accurate accounting of life as a member of the LAPD either. At the end of the day, the hats must tip to a winning movie formula revolving around our favorite sport, accurate or no. Hook: Highest grossing wrestling movie of all time. There you have it, the big 5. Now cue the masses, with calls of injustice for my thoughtless snubbary of Wrestling with Shadows (1998), No Holds Barred (1989) and other timeless masterpieces (sarcasm intended). Seriously, please feel free to comment and make your case as convincing as you can. After all, just because you only make $10 per hour (if you work at all) it doesn't mean your opinion doesn't count. Well, wait, actually, it sort of does doesn't it. Ouch.

MY THREE FAVOURITE MIDGET ACTORS (or, there are no small roles, just small actors)

Tue, 4 Sep 2007 16:18:23 UTC

-By Jimmy Swagger, TCICWF Announcer Hello. I'm Jimmy Swagger, the announcer for the Tri-Cities International Championship Wrestling Federation. You probably haven't heard of me, since the TCICWF's weekly TV show, The Half-Hour Power Hour (it used to be a full hour, but then politics resulted in us getting our time slot chopped in half), is only on the local cable access TV station. But you will dubiously get to know me when Kayfabe, the movie about the TCICWF that I'm in, is released. When I was asked to write a weblog entry by the producers of Kayfabe, I struggled to figure out what to write about. I have two main passions in life, wrestling and midgets, but I'm not sure if either of those things is interesting enough to the general public (although they should be!). Anyway, since this is a movie site, I have decided to follow the lead of the egregious Rocket Randy Tyler and write about movies. Specifically, I'm going to describe the careers of my three favourite midget actors. (By the way, I'm aware of the debate that has been raging online, at least in some of the forums and chatrooms that I like to visit, about whether or not the word "midget" is offensive. While I respect the opinions of those people who think that it is offensive in all cases, I disagree and think that it depends on the intent of the person using the word. Be assured that I mean absolutely no disrespect when I use the word "midget", as anybody who knows me knows that I have a plethora of adoration (some people say too much adoration!) for little people.) Warwick Davis Any discussion of midget actors has to begin with Warwick Davis, the titular star of the 1988 classic Willow (which, as a bonus, also features an appearance by the legendary Billy Barty). When Willow was released, most mainstream media attention was focused on Mr. Davis' co-star, Val Kilmer. But when moviegoers attended theatres in droves to follow the adventures of plucky Willow Ufgood as he tries to protect a baby princess from the evil Queen Bavmorda (My word! Just writing that sends chills up my spine!), it was obvious who should have received top billing. In my opinion, a look at the careers of Mr. Davis and Mr. Kilmer post-Willow shows just who the bigger star of the film was. While Mr. Kilmer had some middle success following Willow, Mr. Davis appeared in a wide variety of films, including The Phantom Menace, a number of installments in the Harry Potter series, Ray, and most of the movies in the Leprechaun franchise (naturally). And he's remained relevant to the present day, with roles in the hit BBC series Extras (playing himself, with hilarious results) and 2006's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (although here, his talents were largely wasted as he was hidden behind the mask of Marvin, the eternally depressed robot). Needless to say, I can hardly wait to see him in the tantalizingly-titled Small Town Folk, which will hopefully be released later this year. In many ways, Mr. Davis is the Jackie Robinson of midget actors. Midgets had been featured prominently in earlier films, including Time Bandits (one of my all-time faves), Return of the Jedi (for my money, the Ewoks were the heart and soul of that movie!) and, going all the way back to 1939, The Wizard of Oz. However, before Davis' star-making turn in Willow, a midget actor hadn't been given the opportunity to almost single-handedly carry a movie. Simply put, Mr. Davis blazed the trail for all of the midget actors that followed him, including the two actors that I obfuscate on below. Danny Woodburn An actor that helped define the 90's for me is Danny Woodburn, who played the recurring role of Kramer's gruff pal, Mickey Abbott, on one of the most popular TV shows of all-time, Seinfeld. Mr. Woodburn started his career as a stand-in for children, a common practice among dwarves which was the inspiration for the Seinfeld episode "The Stand-In". In this episode, and in others that explored the issues faced by little people in today's world (who can forget when Kramer and Mickey were fighting over the attentions of two women, one with dwarf parents and the other without?), Mr. Woodburn played the role of the thrice-divorced Mickey with humanity and humour. You don't have to be a card-carrying member of the Little People of America (although I am, thanks to a little-known loophole in their membership rules) to understand the valuable educational service that Mr. Woodburn provided to the midget community and to the world at large during his time on Seinfeld. There is no doubt that Mr. Woodburn is best known for his role on Seinfeld. However, a look at his portentous list of credits shows that he has been more than a little busy the past 20 years. While he appeared in some films during that time (including the supporting role of Little Rocko in The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas), he has largely focused on television, with roles in literally dozens of shows, including an episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 ("The Leprechaun") and several episodes of Baywatch (I'll have to track these down, since I'm curious to see if he's wearing the famous red bathing suit) and Charmed. Any way you slice it, Mr. Woodburn belongs in any pantheon of great actors, big or small (the pantheon, not the actors). Peter Dinklage Finally, in my opinion, and without selling the accomplishments of the gentlemen described above short, the greatest midget actor working today has to be Peter Dinklage. You may not know his name, but if you are a fan of film you should know his work. Mr. Dinklage burst into the mainstream as a result of his role in The Station Agent. In this touching film, he portrays with incredible thespian skill Finbar McBride, a man who moves into an inherited small train station in the countryside and becomes entangled in the lives of a woman struggling with consequences of a personal tragedy and of a Cuban-American hot dog vendor. In the film, Mr. Dinklage is simultaneously uplifting and heartbreaking, as he seeks solitude from the outside world while at the same time battling the loneliness that naturally flows from his self-imposed exile. Although Mr. Dinklange achieved his fame with The Station Agent, it is his full body of work that shows just how talented he is, whether in his limited but endearing role in Will Ferrell's Elf (surprisingly, Mr. Dinklage is featured in scenes set in New York, not at the North Pole), in the TV series Nip/Tuck or in his memorable role in 1995's Living in Oblivion as Tito, a midget actor perturbed that his only appearance in the film-within-the-film is while dressed up in a powder blue tuxedo in a fantasy dream sequence ("Why does he have to be a dwarf!", Tito screams at the director before storming off the set.). The range of Mr. Dinklage's talent is proven by the fact that he has also provided voice-only work (in Seinfeld) and has even been credited for having performed stunts in HBO's Oz (don't let the title get your hopes up the series is a gritty prison drama, not a re-imagining of the Frank Baum classic involving munchkins). I think the great Roger Ebert summed up Mr. Dinklage's credentials best, when, in describing Mr. Dinklage's work in the most stirring scene in The Station Agent, he wrote "that is the moment you realize there is no good reason why Peter Dinklage could not play Braveheart.

Bill's Films

Tue, 4 Sep 2007 16:16:49 UTC

I can't believe that I was asked to write about movies. I have never been asked to do anything like this before. I wasn't too sure what I should write about so I thought that it would be good to tell you about my three favorite actors in the world. My first favorite actor is Jesse 'The Body' Ventura. He was really really good in the Running Man when he played Captain Freedom a legendary, fan favorite, stalker that comes out of retirement to catch the elusive, convict, runner, Ben Richards, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. He doesn't catch him, but he was really good. In the movie, Predator, he was great. He played a commando named Blain who had to rescue downed airmen from geurillas in the Central American jungle, but then gets hunted down by an alien predator. He was really, really great and seemed really real. He even had the great lines of "You lose it here and you're in a world of hurt and when he is told by another commando that he is bleeding, he shows his toughness when he responds with another great line, "I ain't got time to bleed. He can control the screen as he could control the crowd like when he teamed up with tag team partner, the late, Adrian Adonis as the The East West Connection,or in his WWF feuds of the early 80's with the immortal Hulk Hogan and Ivan Putski. My second favorite actor is Rowdy Roddy Piper. In all of his films his characters are both tough and funny at the same time. This can be seen in the movie, They Live. Roddy played the character Nada and was tough and funny all the way through. His fight scenes are all great. The back alley fight to make Frank put on the special sunglasses in the film is really, really good. He even gave Frank a suplex! It was great. In the post apocalyptic movie, Hell Comes To Frogtown, Roddy Piper plays Sam Hell. Sam has to rescue fertile women from their mutant, froglike captor, Squidlips. In this film, he gives his best movie line ever, I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I am all out of bubblegum!" I love that line. He was tough and fearless like when he had his great, longrunning feud with Huk Hogan. When Roddy faced Mr. T and Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania I, he wasn't scared of them. He had confidence and was fearless. Same thing goes for when he faced Mr. T, in a boxing, match at Wrestlemania II. My favortie Rowdy Roddy Piper match ever was when he faced, and eventually pinned by, the legendary Bret 'The Hitman' Hart at Wrestlemania VIII. Roddy is great. My third favorite actor is Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. He was great in the action movies The Rundown and Walking Tall and was able to play a funny character in Be Cool. In The Rundown, Dwayne Johnson plays, Beck, a bounty hunter who is hired to retrieve a mob boss's son. It has a lot of great action and fight scenes. In the movie, Walking Tall, Dwayne plays, Chris Vaughn, a soldier who returns home to found that his hometown is run by crooked mobsters. Dwayne's character becomes the town sheriff, he arms himself with a 4 by 4 and cleans up the town. He has a lot of great fight scenes. In the movie, Be Cool, Dwayne plays the gay bodyguard to a sleazy music producer and is hilarious. He is tough and sensitive at the same time and steals the whole movie. It was just like when Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson was in the Nation of Domination and stole it from Ron 'Farooq' Simmons. I would love to see Dwayne Johnson play a bad guy in a film. I think that he would be great at it. Like when he faced Mick Foley in their famous "I quit" match. He was cold and didn't care about Mick's wife and children, who were crying, in the front row. He just kept beating on Mick. He had Mick's hands handcuffed behind his back and gave him seven charishots! Seven! It was great! I wish Mick Foley would start doing movies. Bill